Four years later, I’m still trying to make you proud

By Dylan Pichnarcik

Associate Editor

Four years ago this week, on Dec. 18, I lost my grandfather to COVID-19. During a time of such high stress, his death only exacerbated my decaying mental health. 

Four years later, I am still not fully healed - and that’s OK. 

Grief is a non-linear cycle of pain and heartbreak, coupled with beautiful memories about a person held in high esteem. 

When grieving, there will be good days and bad. For me, the bad days have become less frequent, but I still have moments when I find myself in tears thinking of what I would say to him today if given the opportunity. 

I was fortunate to have spent many years with my grandfather - something I know not every person is afforded. 

He was blessed to live a long life - surrounded by family and friends who adored him. 

Knowing this and acknowledging it doesn't make it any easier to cope with living a life without him. But at times, it brings me comfort to be reminded of the amazing things he accomplished. 

I’m reminded of his character, his pride, the love he had for his family, and his unfaltering wisdom. I hope at the end of my life, I can look back and see similar qualities in myself. 

In life, my grandfather taught me so much during my foundational years - but now as I mature into adulthood, I realize he’s taught me just as much in his passing. 

He taught me that life is a journey of triumphs and failures that develop a person's character and morals. 

He also taught me the deep importance of caring for others, and that family matters most. 

In the wake of his death, I watched the dynamic of my family change drastically. We were - for

the first time - without a patriarch. 

I was without a best friend, my mom and her siblings were without a father, and my grandmother was without her soulmate. 

A man she spent almost half of her life entirely devoted to. 

To watch all of us grieve differently was gut-wrenching and at times too much to handle, but we all persisted and were there for each other. 

Especially my grandmother and me. 

In the months after my grandfather's passing, I spent almost every day at my grandmother's house, sitting with her and re-watching old Western movies - an activity she used to share with my grandfather. 

The absence of my grandfather was ever-present - I found myself almost expecting him to walk in and change the channel or hear the faint sound of a coffee maker brewing from their kitchen. 

It was hard to sit in a place where almost all of my core childhood memories took place, knowing it was forever changed. 

But I knew as hard as it was for me, it was ten times harder for my grandmother - especially when she was alone. 

I spent as much time with her and did as much for her as I could. I spent countless hours roaming grocery stores, purchasing food I knew she wouldn’t cook, reminiscing about years gone by, crying and laughing with her, and trying to cope with such a major loss for both of us. 

It felt good to support her when she needed me - especially because I needed her just as much. 

As life goes on, I’m reminded of my grandfather's character, the morals he held, the joy he was to be around, his carefree go-with-the-flow attitude, and his wisdom built from years of a life well lived. 

My grandfather was not a perfect man, but the man I knew was a role model and a person I strive to be like. 

As a 20-year-old, I know I'm not perfect, but as I grow into adulthood, I hold the lessons he taught me close and reflect on how they are shaping me into the person I aim to become. I can only hope to lead a life that would make him proud. 

In sharing my journey of grief, I’m not arguing mine is the right process. At times, it has not been a positive experience, but for me, it has been a journey which has helped me grow and find comfort. 

Every person's experience of grief is different. There's no set formula that says “By year four, you should be doing this.” 

Do what you can for yourself and the people you hold close. You are forever changed when you lose someone, but live your life in a way that would make them proud. 

Know that you are never alone - every person in your life has either lost or will lose someone at some point. Lean on those around you for support and comfort as you go through the ever-changing stages of grief.