I want to see you get better, but I’ll settle for hoping

By Alexis Schlesinger

Editorial Staff

There’s no easy way to tell if, or when, you should stop believing in someone’s ability to change, and just start believing them when they repeatedly show you they won’t.

It’s not your fault if you want to see the best in people, especially those you hold close to you. 

You may have a loved one who struggles with addiction, or mental health conditions. Maybe you’re thinking of a friend who’s ditching their responsibilities or other relationships for a toxic partner. You could be feeling hurt by a family member, who, no matter how hard you try, just can’t seem to bond with you. 

The people closest to us are the last ones we want to see treating us - or themselves - poorly. 

As hard as it is to watch people you love struggle, there may come a time when you need to step away from them to protect your own well-being. 

This isn’t to say you should be leaving your loved ones and friends in the dark during tough times just to make your life easier. 

However, if you are repeatedly telling someone you need better treatment from them, or find yourself begging them to take care of themselves, the lack of positive change on their end will put both of you in a rough place. 

Eventually, you’ll start to resent each other for opposing reasons. They’ll hate that you want them to change, and you’ll hate that they haven’t yet changed. 

There have been times where I’ve found myself wondering why a person I care for can’t change. 

Sometimes, the hard truth isn’t that they can’t, but they won’t. 

They won’t change for you, or whoever else asks them to, if they aren’t ready to change for themselves.

Watching people drift away from you, fall apart, or “lose their spark” causes a unique kind of grief. 

They aren’t dead, or gone, or missing, but at the same time, there is something very clearly absent. 

How can you accept, nevermind begin to process, the grief of losing someone standing right in front of you? Someone you’ve got class with tomorrow? Someone who called you just last night?

I’m not really sure of that. I’m still learning to do that myself. 

Here’s what I do know. 

You don’t have to abandon these people if that doesn’t feel right to you. 

The first and most important thing is keeping yourself safe - physically, mentally, and emotionally - and setting boundaries. 

Honesty is required for this. 

Tell them why you’re concerned about them. Tell them what they’ve done or how they’ve acted that has hurt you. 

If you’re choosing to take time and space away from them, be honest about the reason why. 

Ghosting someone is almost never the answer, unless they are displaying dangerous or harmful behavior toward you or other people you know. 

If you feel comfortable doing so, help this person find other support systems besides yourself. 

You could do that by giving them a list of resources or simply by talking to their other friends or family. Knowing that this person has other support might make it easier for you to step away to take care of yourself.

Don’t feel pressured to get rid of sentimental items attached to this person. You certainly don’t have to keep them either, but if it means something to you, let it. 

Connection is connection, and it doesn’t change that you were once connected to that person if you are less so now. 

Leave your letters from them in that shoebox that stores every card you’ve received since you were in elementary school. Take that T-shirt they got you off the hanger in your closet and put it in your pajama drawer. Carry your matching bracelet in your wallet instead of on your wrist. 

Try not to resent the good times now that they’ve passed, but be careful not to idolize them either. 

I can’t say that it’s easy, or that it’s right for every situation, but try to keep not only an open mind, but also an open heart. 

Every person is capable of change if they choose to. It is part of being human. 

The door is locked. Don’t forget where you left the key I gave you. It’s about time you open the door for yourself. 

I’ll wait on the other side for now, but I can’t promise I’ll stay there forever.