Pursuing My True Self

By Paul Harrington

Staff Writer

When I started to write this, I was hesitant. I was scared.

I told myself it was because I feared my personal information being out in public.

My true fear wasn’t opening up and making myself vulnerable to others around me.

My true fear was accepting that I could not go back in time, and that I had to keep moving no matter what.

During my freshman and sophomore year of high school I was at an all-time low.

I was finding any excuse to skip class and my hygiene was deteriorating.

There were days I would think about how easy it would be if I ended it right now.

I craved a feeling of escapism that shielded me from the truth of life and allowed me to live happily behind a lie.

When I was at rock bottom and underwent hospitalization after hospitalization for suicidal ideation and depression, I had no idea what the future would bring.

At the time, I had no intention of making a future for myself. I thought it was funny when people would ask me what my plans for the next few years were - when I had no intention of staying alive.

When I made the decision to transfer schools and start fresh, I held out hope that things would improve.

Now in an ideal world, I would not be transferring schools during the COVID-19 pandemic, but you get what you get, and you do not get upset.

When the transition to in-person classes took place during my junior year of high school, I maximized all the benefits that came with being in a smaller school.

At first, I hated the structure of not having electronics during the day due to the stupid phone pouches, or the bathrooms being locked by teachers because of students of all ages smoking during passing periods.

However, I started to fall in love with the smaller classes that allowed me to receive more attention for my specific learning needs.

I started to attend my classes daily and began to work while in school.

Even if I was just a dingy cashier at Raising Canes, I was still doing something with myself.

I started to unpack the boredom I felt with learning.

Although I would easily get bored of sitting in 90-minute classes, I knew that there had to be something I enjoyed.

As my time in high school ended, I found myself a changed person.

I started to take joy in the privilege of being alive. I fostered connections with people who I thought I would never see any benefit in befriending.

I opened up to my peers when I felt like something was wrong, and I felt safe doing so.

As college acceptances began to roll in, I was bamboozled by the concept of a college wanting someone like me.

As I begin to finish my academic journey and transition into the real world, I am grateful for the opportunities all the people around me have blessed me with.

Sometimes, all a person needs to move forward is a second chance.

If there is one thing I would go back to tell myself, it is that when you have a chance to make a choice, make one you will not regret.